Need advice on how to cheat on your wife or husband without getting caught - or have been cheating and were already caught?

Are you in a Third World country and confused about how much to offer as bribes?

Are the police after you?

Did you just wake up after a night of debauchery - in bed with multiple creatures and now confused about your sexuality?

Or have you fallen in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist, and are considering kidnapping them but don't know where to begin?

These and similar problems face all of us. Unfortunately, given the complexities of today's world, many are unprepared to deal successfully with the challenges of modern life: from what to expect if you're dating a dominatrix to how to steal money from your friend's mother's purse.

This column is a safe place to reveal your true self and your true problems. You will receive solid, tested, non-judgemental advice, delivered in a loving manner from yours truly and fortified by a lifetime of experience.

Send your letters to advice@loggiaonfire.com